11 posts tagged “humour”
Jim died.
His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon . 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone?
How big is it...?
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Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was 'DON'T!'
'Don't what?'
Adam replied.
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit !'
'Yes way!'
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.
'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FI NALLY:
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
*Act 1 Scene 1*
Dolluss: We fear for our throne, for did not he, the once vanquished, rise
as he promised, from the ashes of destruction?
Najibuss: Hail Dolluss, the vanquished one has arisen only to seek hell
again, for fear not, Najibuss, your humble lieutenant and worthy successor
will sever head from body should another step forward he maketh.
Dolluss: Najibuss, know ye not, this he ye seek to slain, of sterner stuff
than mere mortal, is made?
Najibuss: Najibuss the son of Razakus do not fear mortals. Slay him I will,
for in my possession a miraculous substance I have, sent by the Gods of War.
See for to it Great Dolluss, my miracle substance will mince meat make of
him that traitor Anwaruss.
Dolluss: Caution oh young Najibuss, for in the stars, the Gods of Hadhari
speaks of voluminous crowd doth follow him. His strength lies not in his
hands or miraculous substance, but in the crowd that doth follow him in the
millions. Go now brave Najibuss, your duty awaits. This throne thou must
protect for is it not this throne that thy seeketh?
Najibuss: Hail Dolluss, Emperor of Malayuss, Keeper of the Throne of
Sleepuss, I promise to serve his head for us to feast.
**********************************
*Act 1 Scene 2*
Kairuss: Oh, father, have thou reneged on thy promise?
Dolluss: Ah, Kairuss, the husband of of my lovely Noruss, why has thou made
such a false accusation? The Great Dolluss, father of Hadhariland always
keepeth his words.
Kairuss: Forgive me O Great Emperor. I, your son, though not borne by the
late Queen, but still thy son none the less, for in thee a father I see, is
troubled by the promise ye made to that lecherous lieutenant, Najibuss, the
Lord of Pekanuss, that this throne, ye once promised me would to him ye
bequeath.
Dolluss: Ah Kairuss, the young Sire of Oxfordus, patience is a virtue thou
must learn. Anwaruss is too invincible for ye to fight alone. Let Najibuss,
whose great ambitions blind him, inflict great wounds on Anwarus but the
final kill will be the one that ye, my son, taketh to sever the head of that
Traitor Anwaruss and in ye, the people will see a hero, worthy of the Throne
of Malayuss.
*****************************
*Act 2 Scene 1*
Najibuss: Oh, Great Dollus, Great Dollus. I come with bad tidings from the
forest of Permatanguss Pauhuss . The Traitor Anwaruss had summoned the
forces of evil and led a great Tsunamic tide. Our men, oh brave soldiers,
are no match for the might of the mighty Tsunami that he led.
Dolluss: Oh God of Gods, what is to become of my throne? Oh, Noble Najibuss
art thou hurt in this treacherous war? Tell me what strategy thy seeketh
that cannot but wound this trecherous Anwaruss?
Najibuss: Oh Great Emperor, with me I brought a million soldiers from the
Kingdom of UMNOus , all men of great stature who have battled in Ijokuss.
The merceneries of Rempituss too were in my ranks and a secret weapon I had
kept in the person of Saifulluss were all thrown upon the Traitor but a
current so strong and a wave so mighty that dwarfed the Himalayuss hit us.
Our brave soldiers could not look at his forces, for from intelligence I
hear, his men do not seek rewards of the Ringgituss kind but only the glory
of victory.
Dollus: Saifulluss? Who is this Saifulless ye sayeth? Is he a magician? A
soldier?
Najibuss: No Great Emperor, he is none of the type ye sayeth. His strength
lies not in the front ye see but in the back of his bottom, for in that tiny
orrifice that he hides, lies a great weapon that once vanquished the Traitor
Anwaruss.
Dolluss: What? Oh Najibuss, and I thought that in ye I could trust. Do ye
not see that in war one do not use the same strategy a second time?
Najibuss: Oh Lord of Hadhariland, more bad tidings have I to report.
Dolluss: Is defeat not an end in itself that more tidings should surface out
of it? Say it, say it O Lord of Pekanuss. What more scorn would the Heavens
pour on us?
Najibuss: Our men from the Specialuss Branchuss report that the Traitor
Anwaruss has in his grip the promises of more than three score and ten of
our lawmakers to install him the new
Emperor of Malayuss.
Kairuss: Father, father what is this I hear from the mouth so foul of this
disgraceful Lord of Pekanuss. My throne, my throne, is it not to be mine?
*******************************
*Act 2 Final Scene*
Dolluss: Have the men taketh my favourite couch, on which many many hours of
blissful sleep I had?
Jeanuss: Yes, O banished Ex-Great Emperor. The couch is safely tucked in the
bondage truck on its way to Kepaluss Batasuss.
Dolluss: Oh Putruss Jayuss, fare thee well for I may not walk this road
again.
Jeanuss: Come, come make haste lest they find out that I have also taken
your favourite bed.
Dollus: Wait, Kairuss, where is he?
Jeanuss: Zimbabwayuss, with Mahathiruss and Mukhruss.
A little boy wanted RM100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the RM100.
When Pos Malaysia received the letter addressed to GOD, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister, Pak Lah.
The PM was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a RM5.00 bill. Pak Lah thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the RM5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD:
'Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through PutraJaya and, as usual, those bastards took away RM95.00.'
Oops i drop it again..
Due to the increasing scrutiny (busy body) of Big brother, the only thing a Malaysian can blog about is his/her baby - for everything else is just too “sensitive” for our small brain and big ego to understand. Some are saying that bloggers will be sent to the Syariah court soon if the Civil courts can't nab the few big time bloggers.
Zoe is now 14 months old. She can now put two words together - very well, like:
- “Daddy, pow-pow” meaning “Please carry me, daddy.”
- “Daddy, where?” meaning “Where the heavens is daddy today?”
- “Mumma, key” meaning “Please take the key so that I can go out”
and very strangely “Moi-No” - which is a combination of Mongolian Hakka and English for “No….!”
You guess it, she is now a really confused Hakka Moi.
